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Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek

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Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek Empty Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek

Post by Jyo Wed Mar 11, 2009 11:01 pm

Well, for now the rough draft of my first paragraph or my short story is complete. Although i have more than 2000 words so far, i am only going to post the first paragraph to see if i am going off the right track, or if you think it has good detail or whatnot. The last couple sentences or so need some work, I know XD. Please ignore grammar or tense errors for now. Here is the first paragraph:






By now silence has
filled all of the gaps within the household down to every last corner. Even an
occasional plane speeding over the household cannot penetrate the sound proof
structure of the building where the man slept on his futon. Many people would
expect the house to be in excellent condition based upon the man’s ostentatious
dressing, but the place was rather intolerable to even those below his class.
Beer bottles were noticeable throughout the room where the unconscious man
remained dormant on his sofa. The man had a beer bottle in one hand and a
cigarette in the other, casually dangling from his fingertips. He was laying
rather awkwardly in almost a fetal position. Despite his horrendous posture, he
looked rather peaceful, as if he were dreaming in a world where dreams are
unheard of. He could have most likely stayed in this position all day, if it
wasn’t for his boisterous alarm cam that hovered over him with his eyes gently
peeling open. The impervious yet translucent screen that floated above him in midst
air spoke to him in a monotone voice, “Hello Rick, it is eight in the morning.
Time to wake up.” Despite the vexatious sound of the alarm, the man remained in
the same position and gazed away from the couch. His eyes were fixed on the
white, cylinder centerpiece in the middle of the main hall that blocked his
view of the front door. He had stared at the luminous pillar to the point that
he could not even hear a scintilla of the alarm cam. The sound waves traveled
through one ear and swiftly dispersed out of the other, withdrawing their will
to enter the brain. He slightly tweaked his eyes to the left just enough to
return out of his illusive state. The gate to his brain had suddenly and
unexpectedly opened, and the irksome screech of the alarm cam flooded his
brain. The sudden burst of sound instinctively jolted the man from head to toe.
After a few seconds, he returned to his previous position, still gripping his
beer bottle and cigarette with both of his index and middle fingers. He then
slowly cocked his head upwards so that he was facing directly towards the alarm
cam, and finally found enough strength to raise his dangling arm to deactivate
the alarm cam.
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Post by Noble Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:43 pm

Godly.
Insane.
Beautiful.

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Post by Natz Thu Mar 12, 2009 4:44 pm

Noob wrote:Godly.
Insane.
Beautiful.

100% agreed
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Post by Pikmin Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:07 pm

Nazar wrote:
Noob wrote:Godly.
Insane.
Beautiful.

100% agreed
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Post by Radar30 Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:13 pm

nice opening there jyo.. I want the rest now please, thanks

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Post by Main Thu Mar 12, 2009 6:41 pm

Ahh, so this is what you were talking about. I still think you should include the billigerent insect part though.
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Post by Jyo Thu Mar 12, 2009 6:49 pm

haha, what? this is only a little bit of it btw
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