Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek
+2
Noble
Jyo
6 posters
:: Forum :: Stories :: Written Stories
Page 1 of 1
Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek
Well, for now the rough draft of my first paragraph or my short story is complete. Although i have more than 2000 words so far, i am only going to post the first paragraph to see if i am going off the right track, or if you think it has good detail or whatnot. The last couple sentences or so need some work, I know XD. Please ignore grammar or tense errors for now. Here is the first paragraph:
By now silence has
filled all of the gaps within the household down to every last corner. Even an
occasional plane speeding over the household cannot penetrate the sound proof
structure of the building where the man slept on his futon. Many people would
expect the house to be in excellent condition based upon the man’s ostentatious
dressing, but the place was rather intolerable to even those below his class.
Beer bottles were noticeable throughout the room where the unconscious man
remained dormant on his sofa. The man had a beer bottle in one hand and a
cigarette in the other, casually dangling from his fingertips. He was laying
rather awkwardly in almost a fetal position. Despite his horrendous posture, he
looked rather peaceful, as if he were dreaming in a world where dreams are
unheard of. He could have most likely stayed in this position all day, if it
wasn’t for his boisterous alarm cam that hovered over him with his eyes gently
peeling open. The impervious yet translucent screen that floated above him in midst
air spoke to him in a monotone voice, “Hello Rick, it is eight in the morning.
Time to wake up.” Despite the vexatious sound of the alarm, the man remained in
the same position and gazed away from the couch. His eyes were fixed on the
white, cylinder centerpiece in the middle of the main hall that blocked his
view of the front door. He had stared at the luminous pillar to the point that
he could not even hear a scintilla of the alarm cam. The sound waves traveled
through one ear and swiftly dispersed out of the other, withdrawing their will
to enter the brain. He slightly tweaked his eyes to the left just enough to
return out of his illusive state. The gate to his brain had suddenly and
unexpectedly opened, and the irksome screech of the alarm cam flooded his
brain. The sudden burst of sound instinctively jolted the man from head to toe.
After a few seconds, he returned to his previous position, still gripping his
beer bottle and cigarette with both of his index and middle fingers. He then
slowly cocked his head upwards so that he was facing directly towards the alarm
cam, and finally found enough strength to raise his dangling arm to deactivate
the alarm cam.
By now silence has
filled all of the gaps within the household down to every last corner. Even an
occasional plane speeding over the household cannot penetrate the sound proof
structure of the building where the man slept on his futon. Many people would
expect the house to be in excellent condition based upon the man’s ostentatious
dressing, but the place was rather intolerable to even those below his class.
Beer bottles were noticeable throughout the room where the unconscious man
remained dormant on his sofa. The man had a beer bottle in one hand and a
cigarette in the other, casually dangling from his fingertips. He was laying
rather awkwardly in almost a fetal position. Despite his horrendous posture, he
looked rather peaceful, as if he were dreaming in a world where dreams are
unheard of. He could have most likely stayed in this position all day, if it
wasn’t for his boisterous alarm cam that hovered over him with his eyes gently
peeling open. The impervious yet translucent screen that floated above him in midst
air spoke to him in a monotone voice, “Hello Rick, it is eight in the morning.
Time to wake up.” Despite the vexatious sound of the alarm, the man remained in
the same position and gazed away from the couch. His eyes were fixed on the
white, cylinder centerpiece in the middle of the main hall that blocked his
view of the front door. He had stared at the luminous pillar to the point that
he could not even hear a scintilla of the alarm cam. The sound waves traveled
through one ear and swiftly dispersed out of the other, withdrawing their will
to enter the brain. He slightly tweaked his eyes to the left just enough to
return out of his illusive state. The gate to his brain had suddenly and
unexpectedly opened, and the irksome screech of the alarm cam flooded his
brain. The sudden burst of sound instinctively jolted the man from head to toe.
After a few seconds, he returned to his previous position, still gripping his
beer bottle and cigarette with both of his index and middle fingers. He then
slowly cocked his head upwards so that he was facing directly towards the alarm
cam, and finally found enough strength to raise his dangling arm to deactivate
the alarm cam.
Re: Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek
Godly.
Insane.
Beautiful.
Insane.
Beautiful.
Noble- Nuke Commander
- Posts : 1244
Age : 113
Location : Dubba ju tee eff. Arr ju tri'nig to stak meh ?
User Points : 1409
My Mood :
Extra Ranks :
Re: Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek
Noob wrote:Godly.
Insane.
Beautiful.
100% agreed
Natz- Beserk Orange
- Posts : 525
Location : ( . )( . )
User Points : 433
My Mood :
Extra Ranks :
Re: Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek
Nazar wrote:Noob wrote:Godly.
Insane.
Beautiful.
100% agreed
Pikmin- Scout
- Posts : 186
Location : hear breathing?
User Points : 56
My Mood :
Re: Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek
nice opening there jyo.. I want the rest now please, thanks
Radar30- Immaculate Penguin
- Posts : 269
Age : 32
Location : Under the radar...
User Points : 179
My Mood :
Extra Ranks :
Re: Lie of the Moths: Sneak Peek
Ahh, so this is what you were talking about. I still think you should include the billigerent insect part though.
Main- Tack Trooper
- Posts : 128
Age : 29
Location : Chicago
User Points : 73
My Mood :
:: Forum :: Stories :: Written Stories
Page 1 of 1
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
|
|
Fri Dec 26, 2014 10:20 am by fleamailman
» Happy Birthday Jyo
Wed Nov 16, 2011 12:35 pm by Johnywilko
» Try and guess who I am
Tue Jul 13, 2010 8:50 pm by Sima
» bitch
Tue Jul 13, 2010 8:47 pm by Sima
» Call Of Duty 5
Sun Jun 27, 2010 12:18 pm by Briane240
» new thing
Sun Jun 27, 2010 12:13 pm by Briane240
» Fleamailman
Sat Apr 17, 2010 4:46 pm by einsteinean
» I need help!
Mon Feb 01, 2010 6:25 pm by Marshazzle
» Would you rather?
Sun Jan 10, 2010 11:13 am by Sima